The colloquial Australian-English phrase couldn’t get a kick in a stable, also couldn’t get a kick in a stampede, is used of any ineffectual Australian-Rules-Football player—and, by extension, of any ineffectual person.
This phrase occurs, for example, in the following from Five questions for Bill Walsh of the Cosmic Psychos 1, published in The Age (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia) of Friday 5th March 1999 [No. 44,893; EG section: page 17, column 3?]:
4. Are the Onyas 2 going to take rock’n’roll into the new millennium?
No doubt about it. They wouldn’t get a kick in a stampede and they wouldn’t shout if their arses were on fire.
1 The Cosmic Psychos are an Australian punk-rock band that formed in Melbourne, Victoria, in 1982.
2 The Onyas are an Australian punk-rock band that formed in Brisbane, Queensland, in 1991.
—Cf. also the following phrases, used of ineffectuality:
– couldn’t lead a flock of homing pigeons;
– couldn’t stop a pig (in a gate);
– couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding;
– couldn’t punch a hole in a wet Echo;
– couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.
The texts containing the earliest occurrences that I have found of couldn’t get a kick in a stable, also couldn’t get a kick in a stampede, indicate that this phrase originated in the state of Victoria—probably in Melbourne. These early occurrences are as follows, in chronological order:
1-: From Players’ Form Guide, in Geoff Clancy’s Football Review, published in the Williamstown Advertiser (Williamstown, Victoria, Australia) of Saturday 10th May 1947 [No. 3,695, page 2, column 2]:
Matthews last Saturday couldn’t have got a kick in a stable full of Bernboroughs 3. He didn’t get more than three for the whole day. That’s no exaggeration.
3 Bernborough (1939-1960) was an outstanding Australian racehorse who competed from 1941 to 1946.
2-: From The Sporting Globe (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia) of Saturday 30th July 1949 [No. 2,829, page 5, column 4]:
CHARITY SPORTS AT RICHMOND
Footballers, jockeys, racing writers, radio announcers and women softball players will present one of the brightest sport afternoons of the year at Richmond tomorrow.
Star turn should be a football match between the racing writers, most of whom couldn’t get a kick in a racing stable, and 3XY, who will try to talk themselves to victory.
3-: From Another Coleman, a short story by Vin O’Connor, published in The Weekly Times (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia) of Wednesday 12th August 1953 [No. 4,390, page 56, column 3]:
The paper boy and his offsider came off their stand at the corner: “Strewth, Pete, you’ve got ’em smellin’ well tonight. You’re a wizard on them hamburgers all right. How many goals did y’r kick for the Wanderers today?”
“Eight.” He started slicing up the bread rolls.
“Eight?” the boy whistled. “What a score! […] Y’r gonna become another Coleman, Pete, I’ll betcher a million pounds on that. How many’s that you’ve got for the season?”
“Fifty-three.”
“Strewth,” the boy’s admiration knew no bounds. “Look, Pete, me and me mate’ve only got one and a tray. What about givin’ us a hamburger and we’ll owe you the other threepence. Me old man’s still outa work, see.”
Not to be taken off his guard by this appeal to the softer side of his nature he said: “Give us a Globe 4 then, and that’ll make us square.” […]
“Ye’re a hard man to get on with, Pete,” the boy said, “but go and get him a Globe, Snow. Hope y’r don’t get a goal next Saturday for that.”
“That’ll be the day,” the champ. grinned confidently.
“You couldn’t get a kick in a stable, y’r log,” this cheeky lad said after he had got the hamburger and was tearing off the lion’s share for himself. “You wouldn’t get a game with the Bandywallop Boy Scouts, y’r dill.”
4 This refers to The Sporting Globe, published in Melbourne from 1922 to 1996.
4-: From Snapshots from League Grounds, published in The Argus (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia) of Monday 15th August 1955 [page 16, column 6]:
“Your mugs couldn’t get a kick in a racing stable,” a big voice bellowed over the telephone to Essendon secretary, Mr. Bill Cookson, after the Dons had trounced Collingwood on Saturday. “They got plenty of kicks and 19 goals today,” Mr. Cookson replied. “Bloomee,” shouted the caller with a few high powered adjectives, “I thought the Magpies did them by 11 goals.”
5-: From This Week’s Matches, published in the Port Lincoln Times (Port Lincoln, South Australia, Australia) of Thursday 29th April 1965 [Vol. 38, No. 2,026, page 24, column 4]:
Magpies Slump
After last week’s effort by Marble Range when they were humbled by Tasmans, it would be a very unwise man who would venture to tip them against Waybacks. Marble Range did not remotely resemble the Magpies of last year—some players gave the impression that they would be unable to get a kick in a horse stable.
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